Hitsugaya-Taicho's Rebellion
by Feanfyr
Summary: "It has come to my attention that the population within the Soul Society has reached a rapid incline although there haven't been a rise in the average amount of deaths within the last decade." Toshiro continued without changing his solemn and serious tone. "So I must ask...where do babies come from?"
1. 0 - It Begins

**_"Rebel children, I urge you, fight the turgid slick of conformity with which they seek to smother your glory."_**

* * *

A Taichō's position commanded respect.

Captains were the strongest Shinigami that resided in the Seireitei, they were also in charge of an entire squadron of shinigami. They held regular meetings for updates, they oversaw the Academy, protected not only the Soul Society but the world of the living also. They did paperwork from things about new construction projects to patrols, they debriefed and went on missions and even trained other shinigami.

The respect of a Taichō was well deserved.

Which was why that Hitsugaya-Taichō was always pissed off when people never gave him the same respect they gave the other Taichō- respect that he had worked hard for and deserved, damn it!- simply because he was the 'Child Prodigy' of the Gotei 13. He was _not_ a child, upon becoming a Taichō he was officially emancipated and declared to be 'Of Age' in the eyes of the Soul Society.

He was well aware that he wasn't done growing- that he wasn't an adult yet- but he wasn't a child as the term 'child' came with the connotations of _innocent_ and _naïve_. To be innocent is to be free from guilt or sin while to be naïve is to be deficient in worldly or informed judgment- he was neither of those. The first was lost back when he was in the academy and the second was discarded by the time he became a Fukutaichō- having a naïve person as a leader wasn't desired in a military based society.

Despite this he was regarded as a child; he was nicknamed the 'Chibi-Taichō', constantly offered help in case 'it was too much' for him and sent on easy missions despite his power level. And he had put up with it for the most part, but no more.

No. Tōshirō Hitsugaya was going to get back, get even- _his way_.

...

All thirteen captains were standing through another one of their regular meetings, Soutaichō had finished his rather public reprimand of Kenpachi-Taichō's division's destruction putting an unneeded strain on the Seireitei's budget when the opening Tōshirō had been waiting for arrived.

"Are there any other concerns or questions that should be brought up?"

He waited until the Soutaichō acknowledged him before stepping forwards. "It has come to my attention that the population within the Soul Society has reached a rapid incline although there haven't been a rise in the average amount of deaths within the last decade." Tōshirō paused, noticing that some- more then what happened for the others- captains were already zoning out, then continued without changing his solemn and serious tone. "So I must ask...where do babies come from?"

The reaction was immediate; Soutaichō dropped his cane, Soifon-Taichō turned red, Ichimaru-Taichō's smile faltered as his eyes opened, Unohana-Taichō startled, Aizen-Taichō fumbled his glasses, Kuchiki-Taichō's eyebrows flew upwards, Konamura-Taichō chocked, Kyōraku-Taichō's hat fell, Tōsen-Taichō tripped despite standing still, Kurotsuchi-Taichō stared blankly and Ukitake-Taichō paled dramatically.

As for him?

Well, Hitsugaya-Taichō was cackling inside because he realized just how interesting this would be if they gave this much of a reaction when he was just starting off. Hyōrinmaru shared a thought with him-

_Oh, this will be_ fun.

* * *

_**Because even hundred year old warriors fear a child asking about "The Birds and The Bees".**_


	2. 1-0 - Flash Mob

**_"Yes, indeed, the dishonesty and trickery of intellect."_**

* * *

It was an hour and a half before midnight and the entirety of the Tenth Division was gathered in their conference hall, the majority in various states of dress and awareness. Only Hitsugaya-Taichō was composed and completely awake- even Matsumoto-Fukutaichō was smothering a yawn from her position beside her Taichō.

Tōshirō, for his part, regarded his partially asleep division for a moment before speaking. "I'm sure that you've heard of what's been dubbed 'The Birds and Bees Incident' by now." He stated. "In relation to that incident, I have a task for you all- should you choose to accept it."

It was amusing how the division immediately dragged themselves into a fully awake state, but he started explaining his idea. When the entirety of the division couldn't keep a smile off their faces, he knew that he'd be able to count on the in his little rebellion.

If it had not been benificial for him, how quickly his division had pulled everything together would have frightened him. As it was Tōshirō couldn't help but feel proud that his division managed to get ready so quickly within five hours- some with only a couple of hours of sleep. By five-thirty in the morning, when the rest of the Gotei 13 started waking up and ready for the day, everything was set and ready to go.

...,...,...,...

**5:45 A.M.**

...,...,...,...

Sneaking into the Twelfth Division was easy, depressingly so. Tōshirō had to admit that, with Mayuri Kurotsuchi as captain, very few, if any, would be willing to sneak into such a place- people tended to enjoy _not_ being experiments, a mindset that Kurotsuchi-Taichō had yet to understand or recognize. Still, sneaking in was easy, so was getting into their security system- he wasn't considered a prodigy for nothing. Setting his little 'surprise' was simple, getting out unseen now that people were waking and before his surprise went off was a different matter. He managed though, meeting up with Matsumoto just before the Twelfth's alarms went off and the barracks went into lockdown. By five fifty-five the remaining captains and vice-captains had arrived and by five fifty-nine they began to notice that neither he nor his Fukutaichō were present.

"Go get them Taichō, we'll be right behind you." Matsumoto whispered to him, gently nudging him forwards.

At 6:00 A.M. Tōshirō Hitsugaya stepped forwards into view for the other divisions. Immediately he stumbled, moaning wheezily as he continued his haphazard shuffle towards the others. Abarai, whom was closest, started to turn and he leapt at the Fukutaichō with an inhuman shriek- earning a rather girlish scream from the redhead he had pounced.

Taking his shriek as their cue, the rest of the tenth division pounced- all two hundred of them.

The Twelfth Divisions sirens screeched out continuously as their members tried to beat open the doors (a neigh impossible task as Urahara took every precaution when he was Taichō), a harmony of wheezing moans were interrupted by shrieks when they pounced which were met with shouts or screams from their victims that drowned out the captains' yelled orders.

In short, it was chaos- and it was _magnificent_.

...,...,...,...

**6:20 A.M.**

...,...,...,...

A buzzer went off from the timer strapped around Tōshirō's upper arm and he stopped his teamed pounce with Matsumoto to stare at the sky, all around him his division members were doing the same thing. Confusion spread through the non-tenth division members like a plague- he saw a few people struggling not to laugh, he knew Matsumoto was biting her tongue- as they tried to figure out why the 'zombies' stopped their attack and just what they were staring at.

It was through will power alone that he managed to remain still and stone-faced when the Third Divisions' ninth seat started making faces at his eight seat in an attempt to get the woman to react or when Kyōraku-Taichō came over to try and, well, poke him awake. At six forty the buzzer went off again and every 'zombie' swung their attention to Ichimaru.

A beat of silence before his tenth seat let out a fan-girl squeal, "Ichimaru-Taichō!"

That fan-based exclamation was echoed by each and every one of the tenth division as they converged on Ichimaru, demanding things like pictures and autographs- just in general mobbing the shocked captain. This had been Matsumoto's idea and, with Ichimaru's reaction, it was one he agreed with.

Then, for a third time, the buzzer went of again and they all left as if nothing happened.

Tōshirō was greatly amused that everyone was too shocked to think to stop them and that Kurotsuchi was still trapped.

...,...,...,...

**7:30 A.M.**

...,...,...,...

After they had cleaned up and eaten- and, for many, burst out laughing- they trooped outside with a massive supply of muffins- Tōshirō smirked as he heard the Twelfth's sirens in the distance. And at exactly seven thirty, when the buzzers went off again, they started a food fight with the muffins.

Ducking a blueberry muffin thrown by his sixth seat (a secondary positive effect to this whole thing was how much more at ease his division was with him now, while they didn't fear him and were loyal to him, they certainly were never comfortable enough to just start up a conversation with him like they had when they all returned from 'Phase 1') that ended up hitting an unseated officer, he scooped up a basket of muffins and took refuge in a tree. From his higher vantage point he quirked a small smile at how his division members burst into random fits of gleeful laughter as they tossed their muffins- distantly he noted that Granny may have been right in that Shinigami need to have more fun that didn't involve training or alcohol- before raining down a barrage of muffins on his Fukutaichō.

His third seat, who had been 'battling' Matsumoto, took the opportunity to attack and drive her off, claiming the basket they had been fighting over. His third seat then grinned at him, "Thanks Taichō!"

Tōshirō acknowledge the thanks with a nod before darting from the tree as Matsumoto decided to take her revenge. All too soon the buzzers were going off again, leaving them to disperse with baskets of muffins as the sought out new targets that were either wearing yellow or were blond- that _weren't_ Tenth Division.

He passed on this one, opting instead to listen to Kurotsuchi's cursing as his division tried, and failed, to escape their barracks.

...,...,...,...

**8:55 A.M.**

...,...,...,...

Using flash step backwards was _hard_. Incredibly so. But he managed, tripping every few yards, as he sought out marshmallows. Yes, _marshmallows_. And in bulk too...he tried to ignore the odd looks he got by store owners.

He managed to fill three pillow sacks- bought just for this purpose- with marshmallows before the buzzer went off. Then he tilted his head back and howled, all around other voices joined him until they were two hundred strong.

As he took a breath he started his ascent, along with three fourths of his division, until they were invisible from ground level. When the buzzer came again he started to empty his sacks as he moved in his designated 'Rain God' area. He snorted when he saw that the 'Rain God' nearest to him was releasing the left over muffins, miniature parachutes tied to them to slow their fall, and the shinigami offered him a shrug accompanied by an amused grin- Tōshirō was certain none of them would be able to look at muffins the same again.

...,...,...,...

**10:57 A.M.**

...,...,...,...

"Hitsugaya-Taichō, you and your division have been causing trouble all day." Soutaichō stated. "Do you have any explanation for this?"

Tōshirō glanced at the other captains, smothering a smirk at how Kurotsuchi had _still_ not managed to get free, before answering his normal tone. "You have proposed a rather interesting question/ Asking for an explanation/ But I fear that I must deny your proposition/ For I don't appear to be in the state for conversation."

Whether there was going to be a reply to this, he did not know as his timer buzzed and he immediately collapsed to the ground.

**_"I wonder just how much panic, confusion and general chaos you'll manage to create by the end of the_ _day."_** Hyōrinmaru sounded amused as the captains tried to find out why he just collapsed.

He kept very still, yet completely limp, as Unohana-Taichō examined him. He matched the dragon's tone as he responded mentally, _"And to think, this is just the beginning."_

* * *

**[No Tenth Division Shinigami were injured in the making of this chapter.]**

_**Because we all know that Hitsugaya-Taichō is efficient enough to organize a division-wide day of flash mobs in just a few hours. If they weren't clear then here;**_

**10th Flash Mobs:**

- Phase 1 -

6:00 - 6:20 ~ Zombies,

6:20 - 6:40 ~ Sky Stare,

6:40 - 7:10 ~ Famous Gin,

- Phase 2 -

7:30 - 8:00 ~ Muffin Battle,

8:01 - 8:30 ~ Target: Yellow,

- Phase 3 -

8:35 - 9:00 ~ Backwards,

9:01 - 9:20 ~ Howler, _**(Wolfman Hitsugaya tribute!)**_

9:21 - 10:00 ~ OMG It's raining...,

10:01 - 11:00 ~ Rhymes,

11:01 - 12:00 ~ Fainting,


	3. 1-5 - Flash Mob II

**_"Listen, Peaches, _trickery_ is what humans are all about."_**

* * *

...,...,...,...

**12:25 P.M.**

...,...,...,...

Getting free from the Forth Division was easy, but then Tōshirō had a lot of practice and it was practically overloaded with all of his division having caught his 'disease' also. When Unohana-Taichō had found nothing wrong, her examination was frighteningly thorough, yet with nothing seemingly able to 'awaken' him, she had taken him back to her barracks for observation. Being carried grated on his nerves, yes, but it was worth it to hear the Forth Division's reaction to this new, unexplainable illness.

"You ate _what_!?" He heard his eighth seat shout as he made his way towards the starting point for the second half of 'Phase 4'. "You sick, evil monster! Think of the _children_!" His eighth seat wailed. "How? For every carrot you eat a horse loses their treat, every horse that loses their treat refuses to work, every horse that refuses to work hurt their owners' income, every hit to the owners' income leads to budgets and every budget made ignores unnecessary things like toys. Thus, every carrot you eat is another child forced to go without a toy- you, sir, _sicken_ me! Good day!"

"B-but-..." The shinigami his eighth had seen eating stumbled.

His eighth interrupted, "I said good day!"

At the meeting point there was a lot of whispering and muffled laughter about the occurrences of 'Phase 4's earlier half, it silenced when the buzzer went off and everyone tensed in preparation. It was Kira-Fukutaichō that wandered into their 'target zone'. Tōshirō drew his zanpakutō as he made himself visible to the Fukutaichō, he aimed it towards the startled shinigami and said in a calm, even tone, "Charge."

And the entirety of the Tenth Division, whom had been hiding from sight, rushed the Third's Fukutaichō with their own battle cries.

...,...,...,...

**1:40 P.M.**

...,...,...,...

Remaining still for ten minutes had been a difficult task for some of his division, but they had made it to the buzzer. They shuffled together into caroling groups, there was a beat of silence then-

"This is the song that never ends,

It goes on and on my friends,

Some people started singing it,

Not knowing what it was,

And they'll continue singing it forever just because,

This is the song that never ends..."

Another group sang a different song;

"My mom

She gave me a dollar

She told me to buy a collar

But I didn't buy no collar

Instead I bought some Bubble Gum

Bazooka, zooka Bubble Gum..."

And another;

"There was a tree

All in the wood

The prettiest tree

That you ever did see

The tree in a hole

And the hole in the ground

And the green grass grows all around, all around

The green grass grows all around..."

...,...,...,...

**6:25 P.M.**

...,...,...,...

Tōshirō really should have seen that the Eleventh Division would end up joining their pillow fight, then dragging it out through their 'Mute Button' and into their 'Seize' periods- it was the later that had finally stopped the pillow fight. Then he was following Kuchiki-Taichō, the rest choosing their own targets, and copying every single thing the increasingly irate captain was doing. He had to hand it to Kuchiki, the noble managed not to blow up the entire fifty minutes Tōshirō had followed him.

The conga line was amusing- Kyōraku joined in also, though it might have been so he had an excuse not to do his work- with him leading the long line through out the Seireitei, causing traffic in the streets and enticing others to join. The ninja battle confused many, the Eleventh especially as none of the 'attacks' ever made contact. Finally was the Tango period, the end to their 'Flash Mob' day.

Doing the Tango with someone whom was well endowed with their bust level with your head was difficult. And painful as every time Matsumoto moved to much her bust collided with his head in a none too gentle manner. He decided that he wasn't going to dance with her again unless either her bust size was reduced to a non-lethal level or he grew tall enough for it not to try and smother him- honestly, it was as if those _things_ had minds of their own.

When the finally buzzer went off at six thirty he dispersed great fully.

* * *

_** The songs for the "Annoying Carols" are; **_**"The Song That Never Ends"_, _"Bazooka Bubble Gum"_ and _"The Green Grass Grows All Around"_ as to which one Tōshirō is in? I'll let you choose._**

_**A reference to **_**That 70's Show_ is in here because I couldn't resist. Also, I _have_ used an argument similar to what the Eighth Seat gives at the beginning to get out of eating my vegetables when I was a child._**

_**And the second half;**_

**10th Flash Mobs:**

- Phase 4 -

12:01 - 12:30 ~ You ate what!?,

12:31 - 1:20 ~ Charge!,

- Phase 5 -

1:30 - 1:40 ~ Freeze,

1:40 - 2:00 ~ Annoying Carols,

2:00 - 2:30 ~ Pillow War,

- Phase 6 -

2:40 - 3:00 ~ Mute Button,

3:01 - 3:10 Seize,

3:10 - 4:00 ~ Mimic,

- Phase 7 -

4:05 - 4:35 ~ Conga,

4:40 - 6:00 ~ Ninja,

6:00 - 6:30 ~ Tango


	4. 2 - Questions & Dealers

_**"Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism."**_

* * *

"Hey, Taichō?" Matsumoto waited until she had Tōshirō's attention before continuing, "How did you even know about flash mobs anyway?"

_Tōshirō rolled his shoulder, having just popped it back into place after dispatching the Hallow he had been sent after, as he walked towards where he had left his gigai. Upon finding it he stopped and stared. __His gigai was literally rolling on the floor laughing. __What's more, there was a sea of people doing the same exact thing, taking up practically all the space in the large, outdoor shopping center. __Wearily, he rubbed his eyes to check that this wasn't some illusion, when he found that it wasn't he turned and left._

_He suddenly had the urge to kill something, surely the shinigami stationed in the area wouldn't mind him lightening their workload._

Tōshirō blinked away the memory and answered calmly, "I read about it- I tend to like to know what is going on when I'm assigned a mission in the world of the living."

"You can be so boring Taichō," She complained, "I was hoping for a story."

* * *

Three weeks after the flash mob incident, and after the Tenth Division's punishment of taking over the Fourth's sewer cleaning duties, found Tōshirō staring down the Soutaichō with a calm expression to counter the irritable head-captains'.

"Well," The Soutaichō demanded. "Do you have any explanation for this?"

'This' was a group of shinigami that were considered the 'kids' of the Gotei 13 being forcibly held down by several captains and lieutenants, even with kido binding them- Yachiru Kusajishi appeared to be _gnawing_ on Kenpachi in her effort to get free.

Entirely undisturbed by the chaos behind him, or the destruction he spied through the windows, he answered with a calm seriousness that matched his expression. "I am a drug dealer," He smothered a smirk at how he felt everyone but the 'kids' freeze. "They are my clients and..." He paused almost dramatically, although he was the picture of disinterest as he flicked off imaginary lint from his uniform. "Ukitake is my provider."

"T-Taichō!" He heard Matsumoto exclaim, scandalized before apparently coming to the conclusion that it wasn't _his_ fault and snarled "_Ukitake_!" like a furious mother bear whose cubs were threatened.

* * *

**"I am a drug dealer, they are my clients and Ukitake is my provider."**

_**- this is honestly what inspired this story because I had a weird dream that Tōshirō treated the candy Ukitake gave him like drugs and sold it to the other shinigami kids.**_

_**To **_**Kiku-Goldenflower**_** I love you, in a completely platonic, non-creepy way. **_


	5. 3 - The Wild Hunt

**_"That awful, hopeless almost-human wail crossing the sky just ahead of the Hunt."_**

* * *

Tōshirō was pretty sure that, if what they were doing wasn't _already_ illegal, then it would be when they were done.

After all, there were laws which stated that anyone working in 'foreign countries' had to learn the main language of said countries as, apparently, souls tend to freak out when people come at them waving swords- the traumatizing catalyst being when an Amazon attacked a shinigami and proceeded to castrate the man _with his own zanpakutō_. It wasn't a pretty sight according to Kyōraku but the woman in question spoke very fondly of this act- though no one mentioned whom the man was beyond an 'idiotic Eleventh Division' Shinigami.

_Still_, he was reasonably sure that what they were doing was either illegal or in in the process of being illegal. Which, admittedly, was half the reason why they were doing this- the other being, after how long it took to put this together, there was no way in hell that they _weren't_ going to do this.

Though learning to manipulate ice in a non-lethal manner over a long period of time was a rather novel experience (Hyōrinmaru apparently enjoyed making statues) even if animating them all was easier then coloring and texturing them- as Hyōrinmaru had no reason to attempt such a thing- that lead to an interesting study session about the creation of gigai with Urahara- who is, as Matsumoto named it, the 'friendly neighborhood criminal'.

At the present moment, however, Tōshirō was sitting atop a horse. Now, despite how anticlimactic this may seem, he was not sitting upon a normal horse- for one it, like every other creature present, was a gigai-based ice puppet.

While all the horses were similar in that they had a black body coat with a mane and tail of fire- or, rather the _illusion_ of fire that was at such a low temperature that it burned to touch because he was _Tōshirō Hitsugaya_ and if is going to do something then he's going to do it right- along with hooves that seemed to leave burn marks on the ground where they had been and what seemed like steam rising from the nose or mist hovering from the knees down, there were several differences between his own horse and the others. For one, his had bat-like wings that barely had enough black, leathery skin to cover the bones giving them a skeletal feel another was that, upon Hyōrinmaru's insistence, the flames on his horse were teal rather then the others' red. His horse also had no bridle or saddle as he, unlike the rest of his division, could handle the intense cold along with, where the other's had reddish eyes, his horse's eyes were a pure white that his thirteenth seat stated was 'so fucking creepy, I swear Taichō if it so much as looks at me I might actually shit myself'.

Though there were a horse for everyone in the division, there were only a dozen hellhounds present. The hounds, compromised of large black hounds with red eyes and certain parts of their bodies on fire, were spread out with Tōshirō at the front of the 'party' in a 'V' formation with him ad his horse at the point.

The meticulous creation of two-hundred and twelve animated ice puppets, along with special effects, was draining for him as was opening a Senkaimon large enough for them all to get through at once but, when he blew the bone-white horn with the hounds baying in response before they all charged, it was definitely worth it when they captured hundreds of screaming souls with kidō nets as they raced across the world. Even the hollows they came across were terrified and tried to run away- to no avail because those hounds weren't there just for show.

...

As Tōshirō opened a Senkaimon back to the Seireitei, he spied an orange-haired teen gapping at them in disbelief and tucked that tidbit of information away for future use as they charged from the Living World to the Soul Society with their traumatized cargo.

As Matsumoto cackled at her shrieking captives, he privately admitted that maybe this was a step too far. When Eleventh Division members dove out of the way as they rode through the Seireitei, he admitted he was past caring.

Thus, when they came to a stop before the First Division with the other captains appearing, Tōshirō had no qualms with kneeling before the Soutaichō and announcing, "We have returned from our hunt, your Highness. And the sacrificial tribute we have gathered in your honor is bountiful."

Honestly, the second sentence was more to get the captives screaming again then out of necessity.

* * *

_**Mindfuckery for souls being introduced to the Soul Society. Why?**_

_**Because he's Tōshirō Hitsugaya, **_**Bitch_!_**

**_Actually, there isn't really a reason but then, neither was there one for the Day of Flash Mobs._**

**_[Admittedly not as 'light' as other chapters, I blame this on a body horror fic that's been forming in my head featuring Tōshirō.]_**

**_..._**

**"or, rather the illusion of fire that was at such a low temperature that it burned to touch because he was **Tōshirō Hitsugaya **and if is going to do something then he's going to do it right_, bitch_"**

**_-_**"This is for emphasis, Bitch!"**_ from the TvTropes website. I almost went there, because just the idea __is a very enticing one. So is him saying "I'm Tōshirō Hitsugaya/Hitsugaya-Taichō, _Bitch_!" to, well, anyone really._**

**_For the whole "Amazon Castrating a Shinigami with his Zanpakutō" bit, I honestly believe it could have happened- really, the Amazons had to die right? Plus, this opens the doorway to _other_ cultures in the soul society because, odds are, at least _one_ person remembers their pre-death culture and still practices it._**

**_..._**

**_On a different note, Urahara is officially an accomplice from here on. And, with the level of ice manipulation he is now capable of, Tōshirō really has no limits now._**

**_Also, Ichigo has an appearance!_**


	6. 4-0 - Hitsugaya's Nooddle Incident

**_"You can't prove I did that!"_**

* * *

Penguins.

There were penguins, _everywhere_.

Or, at least, in relation to where ever Tōshirō went because the birds were following him- it didn't help that Matsumoto called him a 'Mama Birdie leading her ducklings' or that it stuck when the things followed him regardless of what he had done to get rid of them. Even lighting one on _fire_ didn't do anything besides make it try to wriggle into his clothes. So here he was, stuck with immortal, invincible penguins following him around and trying to get into his clothes whenever he was still long enough-

Immortal, invincible, perverted duckling penguins.

Someone was going to die. _End of story_.

...

Tōshirō was on top of the Senzaikyū tower with his minions eating watermelon, that he didn't know if penguins could even digest watermelon properly was irrelevant.

He did not even turn as Matsumoto came running up behind him, "Taichō, what- why did you do _that!?_"

"You can not prove that I did _that_." He told her, "Nor will I admit to it."

Ignoring how the tower shook from an explosion, he took a bite of watermelon.

* * *

_**The moral of this chapter?**_

_**Mess with Mama Birdie and her ducklings will take over the world in her name.**_

_**Or**_

_**Why it's a stupid idea to mess with someone who has no qualms with getting even- and **_**more_._**


End file.
